Every adoptive parent enters into the adoption process with hopes, expectations and perhaps a sense of nervousness about the entire process. This is normal and to be expected. It is also normal- and – expected that there will be a period of adjustment. Some parents may even feel some feelings of regret or doubt as to whether or not they made the right choice. Sometimes adoption placements are rife with problems, trouble, upheaval and thoughts of “what did I get myself into”?
Parents may or may not have had any prior history on the child as to what to expect or the history does not reveal behavioral problems. Many parents will blame themselves or feel like failures if things are not working out. Sometimes even the most motivated parents simply cannot manage that particular child’s needs. It is important to know that there are resources out there to assist.
Children from difficult backgrounds may act out for a number of reasons. One of the common behaviors we see is when the child acts out in a “I will reject them before they reject me”. This is not necessarily because the child wants you to reject them, but rather a self defense response. The child may have been rejected so many times by repeated placements and moves and their behaviors mask their fears, insecurity and pain. We counsel families on trying to understand the “whys” and what is behind this behavior and not to get into a battle or lock horns with the child.
Parents should have the child undergo a medical and psychiatric evaluation. We have seen children have behavior problems when the underlying issue was anything from medication needs or medication adjustments required, to having adenoid problems. The family should also seek some counseling to help cope with what is going on or get referrals. Many families may not turn to their child placing agency because they fear being blamed or other repercussions. Your agency can be a great resource for support and referrals.
Yes, it is NOT easy. Any experienced adoption professional or family that has been through this will agree. During this time it is also important to take care of yourself. Find a friend to help give you some diversion, seek counseling, maybe someone can give you a break and babysit now and then, exercise, meditate, sleep and eat well and be sure to give yourself a break and credit for what you are going through.
Families are encouraged to seek out assistance through a counselor specifically trained in attachment disorders. We recommend families look at the Evergreen Center in Colorado or do a Google search for attachment specialists for recommendations in your area. This field requires special training so be sure the professional you chose to work with has experience in this area.
There are plenty of great resources out there. The aptly titled book by Nancy L. Thomas says “When love is not enough: A guide to parenting children with RAD”, talks about how to manage with children with difficult behaviors typically classified as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). We also recommend families research some of the excellent resources available on the website http://www.fosterparentcollege.com. There is a yahoo adoption group for parents who are experiencing difficulties with their children called- adoption disruption and dissolution. There are a few adoption programs for children from disrupted adoptions such as: Second Chance Adoption Agency. This agency helps match children from disruptions with waiting families who are willing to try to parent the child. Some states will offer respite services or financial assistance for families with challenging children.
